Ads don’t make enough money, so Facebook is trying to pull an Apple?

I’m so inspired by this rumored attempt to tie Facebook software to expensive, unnecessary, replacement-required-eventually hardware, that perhaps I’ll go ahead and make a Flying Flashlight phone. It will be just like every other phone, except it will work far worse and have special buttons (large, red depressable saucer with “Pay With Flying Flashlight credits” on it) instead of apps to make it do the Flying Flashlight thing. Better act fast! With the Web offering effectively infinite space for ads, I need some way to make money. Flash fireworks pitching new couches in the ignored corners of this site won’t cut it.

You know, come to think of it, a lot companies should do this. Why not the Visa phone (button: “Increase credit limit”)? Or the Duane Reade phone (button: “Buy the same five things you always do”)? Or, heck, why doesn’t Pavement sell a Pavement phone at all of the stops on the band’s new tour? It’s like the new concert t-shirt! Bandwagon up!

And once you have your audience members tied to an actual thing that they carry around all the time, you can then…well, you can then … track where they are, and sell ads (try, try again) to businesses who want their coupons popping up on the Flying Flashlight phone whenever it draws near the cash register?

Wait a minute, I’ve got something even better: a Flying Flashlight … wait for it … flashlight. Flashlight! Whoah. Every time you turn it on, it tweets an image of what it’s pointed at. Then I sell ads against all that content. Awesome. Calling manufacturers. Back soon.

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